shit my kid says.

commands

Nikki — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 11:21:52 +0000

Indi has a new toy from the zoo that she has named “Baby”. It is a zebra head on a stick, that has a trigger function that causes the mouth to open and close. She is biting me with it and it isn’t working properly.

Indiana: What are you DOING, Baby? Bite Mummy! A biting!

(Indi, aged 2.)

self-worth.

Nikki — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 08:19:25 +0000

We’re in the car driving home, and Bea has said something funny.

Grandma: You’re a funny girl, Miss Beatrix.

Beatrix: Why?

Me: Because you make us laugh.

Grandma: And we love you.

Beatrix: That’s why you don’t want me to get runned over with a car.

(Bea, aged 6.)

boys.

Nikki — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 05:25:58 +0000

Beatrix: The boys in my class all have red as their favourite colour. Because red is the colour of blood! And they like blood, okay?

(Bea, age 6.)

artist’s critique.

Nikki — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 05:24:13 +0000

Grant is showing me a doodle he did for a tattoo idea. (See link.) We’re both laughing at it because its hurriedly done and fairly poor.

Grant: It’s just a silly drawing that Uncle Grant did. It’s not very good.

Beatrix: (long pause as she examines it) I can draw very well.

(Bea, age 6.)

the quicker, the better.

Nikki — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:55:16 +0000

After letting Indi have a few chips to dip with. I go away to check my emails. I come back into the playroom to find Indi with her hands in the dip bowl, eating fistfuls of hommus.

Me: Indi! What do you think you’re doing?!

Indiana: (through her mouthful) Dip.

(Indi, age 2)

holiday tradition

Nikki — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:09:58 +0000

Bea has taken out the Halloween decorations while we’re setting up for Christmas. She is playing a game with them. Indiana is snatching them away.

Beatrix: Indi’s a water monster!

Me: Oh. Is she?

Beatrix: Yeah! She keeps taking my pumpkins and filling them up with water. They don’t LIKE water, Indi — they like blood!

(Bea, age 6)

bargaining.

Nikki — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:13:14 +0000

The girls have a Star Wars advent calendar that contains Lego pieces inside. Indi notices the Yoda on the outside of the box and decides that she wants it.

Indiana: (pointing to the box) Bea-Bea… Chewbacca? Chewbacca for Bea-Bea?

(Indi, age 2.)

why?

Nikki — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:07:00 +0000

Indi is on a non-stop streak of answering everything I’m telling her with “why?” Bea is getting annoyed.

Indiana: Why?

Me: (sighing) I don’t know, Indi.

Indiana: Why?

Beatrix: She doesn’t know, okay!?

Indiana: Why?

Beatrix: Because she’s not a scientist!

Indiana: Why?

Beatrix: BECAUSE SHE HASN’T GOT A JOB!

Touché.

(Bea, age 6.)

zoology 101.

Nikki — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 05:11:28 +0000

Beatrix: (randomly) If you hear a koala roar, you should put it down. Because it’s going to have a baby.

(Bea, age 6.)

Clean up, Australia.

Nikki — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 05:08:59 +0000

Beatrix notices some trash on the ground in the reserve near our house.

Beatrix: I really hope Australia learns to clean up the world.

Me: Me too.

Beatrix: Why do people do that?

Me: I guess they’re careless with their rubbish.

Beatrix: Yeah! They’re really lazy. They’re like, they don’t have any legs! They think they’re a daisy.

(Bea, age 6)